Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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