SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
