Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
