then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
