If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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