Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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