every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
