my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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