well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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