shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize