My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
