just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
