1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
is it fun? or sober?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
