you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
