yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
