So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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