The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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