Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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