His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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