i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
