the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
