I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
