just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
