do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
