I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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