this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
