This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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