There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
