Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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