I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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