Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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