I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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