Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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