Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
