dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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