I looked at my own cervix.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
