but the lizard people decide everything anyway
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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