i need an iv and a liver transplant
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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