My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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