He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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