I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
