Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
