so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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