Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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