He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize