Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
