i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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