Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize