btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize