She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
