Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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