My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
