I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
