It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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