we have officially mastered the walk of shame
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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