Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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