There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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