She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
