I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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