I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
