just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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