he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
