Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
