Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
