I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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