Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
