So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
