i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
my liver is dry heaving
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
