This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize