I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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