I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
