i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
